The Addams Family

Audition Sides

 

GOMEZ, LURCH, & MORTICIA

GOMEZ fencing with LURCH

GOMEZ

Fight sir, fight like a man! Feel the kiss of my Spanish steel! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Foiled

again! (LURCH pokes GOMEZ with sword.) Oww! Damn your lightning reflexes!

MORTICIA

Gomez, look.

GOMEZ

Ugh! Flowers! Who would send something so tasteless?

MORTICIA

"The most precious gift there is, More goody-licious than gold, Is that blessing we

call friendship, Whether new or very old."

GOMEZ

"Goody-licious?" Who talks like this?

MORTICIA

The Beinekes. Wednesday's friend Lucas and his parents. They're coming for dinner

tonight.

GOMEZ

Lucas?

MORTICIA

Yes.

GOMEZ

But Lucas is a boy's name.

MORTICIA

Yes.

GOMEZ

Wednesday has a friend who's a boy?

MORTICIA

It's nothing, darling. Puppy love.

 

GRANDMA & PUGSLEY

PUGSLEY

Hi, Grandma.

GRANDMA

Hey, stud. How’s life?

PUGSLEY

Too long.

GRANDMA

Tell me about it.

PUGSLEY

Hold on. What're you doing?

GRANDMA

Restocking. Grandma's Private Stash. Herbs, potions and remedies. Nature's candy,

no prescription needed.

PUGSLEY

What's that one?

GRANDMA

Peyote.

PUGSLEY

What’s it do?

GRANDMA

Makes you run around naked in the woods.

PUGSLEY

What about this one?

GRANDMA

Bookoo leaf. You got someone giving you a hard time?

PUGSLEY

Maybe.

GRANDMA

Sprinkle a little of this on his toast, an hour later he's in a padded room, screaming "I

am Spartacus!”

PUGSLEY

Grandma—what if there was this girl who met this person and he's all like "Hey, it's

the Pugster. What up, little man?" and she's all like "golly" and "we're gonna go

now" and they're running away together. What would you give her?

GRANDMA

Nothing. She's your sister. Be happy for her.

PUGSLEY

But what if she doesn't get rid of him? What if all the good times are already behind

me?

GRANDMA

That's life, kid. You lose the thing you love.

PUGSLEY

Tell me about it. (picks up another bottle from the cart) What's this one?

GRANDMA

(grabs bottle from Pugsley) Acrimonium! You wanna stay away from this baby.

PUGSLEY

Why?

GRANDMA

Takes the lid off the it. Brings out the dark side.

PUGSLEY

Whaddaya mean?

GRANDMA

One swig of this and Mary Poppins turns into Medea.

PUGSLEY

I don't understand your references.

GRANDMA

Well, stop the damn texting and pick up a book once in a while. (Then) Now, quit

whining about your sister. Start thinking about you and how you’re gonna live your

life. Time, my dear, is a thief. She'll steal your soul and flee on little fairy wings.

(then, abruptly) And stay outta my shit or I'll rip your leg off and bury it in the back

yard. (Beat) Love ya.

 

FESTER

That's right. We have a problem. Little Wednesday Addams - that charming,

irrepressible bundle of malice who would poison her own brother just for a ride in

the ambulance - has grown up and found love. So here's the deal. Gather around.

I'm not letting you back into that crypt until love triumphs. Ah. So who is this Lucas

fella? Is he worthy of her? Do they really love each other? What is love anyway? Does

this rash look serious to you? So many questions about love. But when you think

about it, is there anything more important?

***

Never fails. You let nature take its course - chaos. I mean, is this any way to end an

act? Actually, yes. But it'd be better if the guests couldn't leave just yet, dontcha

think? OK, dead people - gimme some weather! Well, Beinekes - looks like you'll be

spending the night. And there you are: Secrets exposed. Marriages threatened.

Delicious anarchy. What happens now? Can this be repaired? Or do you all leave in

an hour feeling vaguely depressed? We’ll find out soon enough, but that's what

happens when you play...FULL DISCLOSURE!

 

LUCAS & WEDNESDAY

LUCAS

Wait, wait! We have to talk this over for a minute.

WEDNESDAY

Talk what over?

LUCAS

We can't just run away and get married. You said it was important that everyone got

along.

WEDNESDAY

And you said it didn't matter!

LUCAS

Yeah, but they wanna kill each other! You want that hanging over our heads?

WEDNESDAY

Boy, you sound just like your father. The root doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

LUCAS

What?

WEDNESDAY

Forget it.

LUCAS

The apple. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

WEDNESDAY

God, you're annoying.

LUCAS

You know what I think? You don't really wanna get married. You just said that to stick

it to your mother.

WEDNESDAY

Don't psychoanalyze me, Lucas. It's a deep dark hole and you don't wanna go there.

Come on.

LUCAS

What'll we do for money?

WEDNESDAY

Stop being so scared of everything.

LUCAS

Right, like you're not scared.

WEDNESDAY

I eat scared for breakfast, honey.

LUCAS

Let's go back in the house and make some rational decisions.

WEDNESDAY

I don't want rational decisions! I want dangerous, impulsive, crazy decisions! Are you

coming or not?

LUCAS

Look - I - I can't run away like this. It's too crazy. I'm sorry.

WEDNESDAY

Not as sorry as you're gonna be when you wake up and you're forty-six and working

for your father!

LUCAS

I can be impulsive! I just need to think about it first!

 

MORTICIA & GOMEZ

MORTICIA

Humiliated! Shamed! Mortified! I told that Beineke woman we kept nothing from

each other.

GOMEZ

My sweet— Wednesday wasn't sure about the boy and didn't want to worry you.

MORTICIA

Oh, so you didn't dare tell me, because I'm such a terrible mother.

GOMEZ

You're a wonderful mother.

MORTICIA

And look at the thanks I get. I gave up my dreams for the sake of this family. I

wanted to travel. I wanted to see Paris! I never saw the sewers of Paris! And now it'll

never happen!

GOMEZ

Cara –

MORTICIA

So that's how it ends... alone and forgotten in a tiny room, living on cat food and

broken dreams - that's what happens to mothers. Look at yours. She came for the

weekend, the weeks turned into months, it's twelve years later and she's still up

there: Deceived. Deluded. Smoking weed in the attic. (then) A grandma. (and) Well,

I'm not going to end up like your mother.

GOMEZ

My mother? I thought she was your mother. (Beat) No, seriously.

MORTICIA

You lied to me, I can't live with that.

GOMEZ

Here, cara. I feel the urge to take you in my arms.

MORTICIA

Not. Today.

 

ALICE & MAL

ALICE

“I feel so dark, I feel so dead. All is black inside my face.”

MAL

Boy, they really got to you. That doesn't even rhyme.

ALICE

You got a problem with that?

MAL

I did not raise my son to be kidnapped by a bunch of creeped out weirdos.

ALICE

You didn't raise him, Mal. I did. You were at the office, remember?

MAL

I was at the office for you. For him. I had plans for the boy!

ALICE

Oh Mal, he's in love. Let him follow his heart.

MAL

Lemme get this straight - your son, your only son, wants to marry someone who is

named for a day of the week and runs around Central Park with a crossbow - and

you're OK with all that?

ALICE

If it makes him happy, yes.

MAL

Well, you better come to your senses or I'm gonna have to take steps.

ALICE

Good idea. Why don't you start by taking steps outside.

MAL

What?

ALICE

You want to act like a tool, go sleep in the shed.

 

MAL, ALICE & LUCAS

MAL

OK, Lucas - enough is enough. Gimme the map.

ALICE

I don't see any houses.

MAL

Because there aren't any, Alice. We're in the middle of some godforsaken park.

ALICE

Central Park, dear. (guidebook) "Designed in 1857 by - "

LUCAS

Wait! I know where we are! It's where I first saw her! I was lost in the park and a

pigeon dropped at my feet with an arrow in it! And there she was—Wednesday, with

a crossbow.

MAL

This girl walks around with a crossbow?

LUCAS

It's OK dad, she has a permit.

MAL

Good. Good choice son. Ok, listen up. Now here's what's going to happen. We're

going back to the hotel. And you and I are gonna have a little talk.

ALICE

Be patient with him, dear. (rhyming)"A father should support his son. And Lucas is

your only one.”

MAL

Do you see what you did? Your mother's rhyming again. Let's get back to the hotel

and then—

LUCAS

No!